This is Not An Assignment, Merely a just because....

I googled myself today, just simply out of curiosity and found my-never-forgotten-and- thought-of-from-time- to-time blog. I just feel like writing I suppose, and it is interesting to think of my thoughts being put out in the cyber world, never knowing if anyone will read it or not. Mainly I just want to talk about how I feel about life, seeing as in reality I do just about everything to avoid talking about my reality. My reality is not bad at all, but it is troublesome. I find myself stuck in almost every way. Tears won’t do any good to solve problems. I’m finally looking to change schools and when I’m happy I am so very excited about it. It’s just all the other things, it’s just a lot of things. Even though I know my disability only gets worse because I don’t do my physical therapy, I can’t seem to make myself. It’s like my inner child is tugging at me so hopeful and bursting with life, trying to pull the bigger me (the present me) up. My inner child says come on Joelle get up you can do it, it’s ok just get up and the bigger me just lays there silently hands extended to nothing and tears streaming from my eyes… I can’t help feeling like I’m falling apart, mentally and physically. I have no drive to go to class. I changed my major and I was so excited, but my drive still isn’t there. I don’t know if there is something wrong with me or if I’m just lazy. I know that everyone has their struggles, I know that… it’s just that doesn’t help me stop feeling whatever it is that I’m feeling. Sometimes I just want to sleep and keep sleeping till I get the part of me back that I’m so sure I’m missing. My wrist on my left side is said to be over used and needs rest, rest I can’t give it. My left side is my dominant side and my right side is practically useless, take away my left side and I really would be handicapped. I wouldn’t be able to do anything for myself…. It’s a very scary and sad thought. Everyday I walk on my right leg I feel it almost buckle at the knee and my right foot just keeps turning further and further out. It’s all my fault, if I had just done my physical therapy I wouldn’t be like this, maybe I’m stupid and I know I’m lazy. I’m too happy too often to be depressed, I can still live my life, you know get out. The saddest thing is this is only the surface of my problems. I have no money for school, I have no credit for a loan, my parents’ credit is so bad they can’t even co sign for me and I’m not eligible for financial aid because my parents make too much. I’ve been to the financial aid advisors on campus, basically they said they couldn’t help. Once again I have no drive to try to get scholarships or grants. If there is somebody reading this and you feel you must comment, please… please don’t be mean to me, I know that I should be blessed that I can even walk or even have the opportunity to be in college. I know my life is good, I just wanted to talk to someone other than my friends, whose tough love doesn’t always get me back on track. I know it’s me, I know I just have to do it, I know it’s just part of growing up. I know…